I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
