I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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