I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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