I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
