I am puke
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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