There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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