Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I wish there were birth control emojis
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
