i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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