Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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