Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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