i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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