I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
