I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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