My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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