God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
