he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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