Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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