If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
