i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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