omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
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he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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