last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
