naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
