I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
