I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
