you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
