It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
