You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
