i think my tv is drunk
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
