god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm eating all of the evidence.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
