What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
