Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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