I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
