god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
