She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
