The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
