So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
