Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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