mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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