I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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