i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
