Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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