In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We named our party play list daddy issues
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
a search helicopter?!
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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