I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
