I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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