I need to stop coming to work sober
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
