The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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