I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
