I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she woke up with a sticky ear
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
