the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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