i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
