why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
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Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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