I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
