Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
