i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think my moral compass just broke
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
