She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
