So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
